Its Not Easy Turning Down an Ex
1. You're lonely.
Put simply, one of the main reasons you're not letting go of a past relationship is because you're lonely right now, said Erika Ettin, a relationship coach and founder of A Little Nudge.
"Rather than pining over someone who wasn't right for you, focus on yourself," she said. "Get back into hobbies you used to do, treat yourself to something that makes you happy, and get back in touch with friends who you haven't seen in a while. It's much better to be single than to be with the wrong person."
3. You lost confidence during the relationship.
If you were with someone who was bad for you, your confidence may have taken quite a knock while you were together.
"Sometimes in the wrong relationship, your confidence can be taken down a step, especially if your partner put you down or otherwise didn't appreciate the amazing person you are," said Ettin. "Then, after taking you down, getting their validation was even more special. So you're craving that validation. Now it's time to look inward for that validation."
4. You only remember the good times.
In the midst of a break up, you're likely to only focus on the good times you and your ex had.
"Relationships are complicated, and sometimes when we're sad, we want to forget about all of the issues and see the relationship through rose-colored glasses," Ettin said. "Assuming you broke up for valid reasons, it won't help to dwell on the good that was there."
5. You haven't learned to let go.
Niels Eek, a physiologist and cofounder of the mental wellbeing and personal development app Remente, said learning to let go is one of the most important steps to take in order to relieve yourself of a relationship, especially if it was toxic.
"You must accept that everyone makes mistakes and that these are now in the past," he said. "Think instead about what you can take away from the situation. While it may be difficult at first, the more you practice compassion and understanding, the easier this process will become."
7. You're afraid of being alone.
Many people are scared of ever being alone, Eek said, which makes your attachment to a previous relationship even stronger.
"A study found that individuals who don't like to be single, think with far greater intensity about their ex-partner than people who are better at handling being one their own," he said.
8. You didn't get closure.
People can obsess over their exes for various reasons, Eek said, including the fact you're unlikely to ever get closure. This can give people "an inability to understand a situation, and the feeling of helplessness in not having any power to change it," he said.
The truth is, when someone hurts you, you're not going to like any of the reasons why it happened. So racking your mind for explanations isn't going to help you in the long run. It's best to try and let it go.
9. You can't stop ruminating.
On a similar note, sometimes it's hard not to replay the past over and over in your head.
"People keep ruminating over a situation to try and find a solution, or might be seeking validation from people around them if they feel victimized," said Eek. "A study in 2008 found that rejection is often connected to rumination, or perpetually thinking about an ex-partner."
Rumination is often associated with anxiety disorders and depression, he said, and can prevent people from acknowledging and dealing with their emotions, as they try fixate on the situation instead of trying to understand their feelings that the situation has caused.
10. You're grieving the potential that was in that relationship.
Shannon Thomas, a licensed therapist and author, said people often grieve the potential that was in their past relationships.
"The unmet hopes we had for what could maybe have developed with that person," she said. "All the plans we had together that never went anywhere. Our daydreams are fueled by the lingering thoughts of 'if only...' This takes place even if we are not consciously aware but the thoughts creep into our subconscious level."
11. You're mulling over regrets.
You might find yourself thinking about all the choices you made and things you said before the break up, essentially regretting every tiny mistake you both made.
"People find themselves mulling over regrets like, if only the other person had learned to manage their anger instead of raging or being passive-aggressive," Thomas said. "If only we had wanted the same things out of the relationship. If only the good, fun times together had lasted longer. Frequently, unhealthy connections also include great moments that at that time gave us hope that all would be okay in the relationship. After the break up, it's very easy to allow our thoughts to drift to regrets and unmet wishes."
12. You're going through repetition compulsion.
Perpetua Neo, a therapist and psychologist, said your past relationships can affect your new ones because of something called "repetition compulsion."
"You're trying to fix something from your past," she said. "Sometimes we feel compelled to fix a mistake in a relationship earlier in life. The problem is, we choose people who may not want to or cannot change. Even if we're unaware of this compulsion. If we feel this need to fix that mistake, it's hard to have closure over an ex."
13. Your ex feels familiar.
Being familiar and being comfortable in a relationship are two different things. If something feels familiar, it means you've probably been through a similar situation before, whereas feeling comfortable with someone means being able to be yourself without fearing repercussions for your views, opinions, or feelings.
"Our earliest relationships form a template of what's familiar for us," said Neo. "Even if it's hazardous to us. Familiarity can also mean we don't know how to deal with other sorts of people who may be good for us — instead we may dismiss them as dull."
Breaking up with someone who is familiar is hard because you don't only have a bond to them, but to all the other people who were like them who came before.
Keep reading
Source: https://www.insider.com/why-youre-not-getting-over-your-ex-2018-8